Tuesday, October 11, 2011

God As Deadbeat Dad

Thinking about God's first wife has led me to consider just what a lousy father and husband He is.

When God split with his first wife, Asherah, he had his lawyers (the Levites) denounce her as a whore and demon - remarkably similar to how divorce attorneys behave now.
She had a hard time after the breakup.
Fast forward a few hundred years and we find a bachelor God, like Charlie Sheen, with the hots for some farmer's daughter. He uses a pick up line that so lame only a god could get away with ("Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb."). I mean, really!

He knocks her up and what does he do? Nothing. He doesn't marry her; there is no child support. If it wasn't for her dimwitted boyfriend (more on Joseph later) she'd been in tough shape. As it was she gave birth in a fucking barn filled with horse shit.

God's a dad, but there were no father-son chats. No "with great power comes great responsibilities" lecture. Jesus had to figure things out for himself. When he made mistakes and got arrested was dad there to bail him out? Nope. God didn't even send one of his divorce lawyers to represent him in court.
With a good lawyer he'd have gotten off with a warning.
So, what about Joseph? When Mary did the nasty with God she was engaged to the village carpenter. When Mary found out she was pregnant she told Joseph that she had been sleeping with the Creator of the universe. And he believed her. He raised the kid has his own, even giving him his name (Joshua ben Joseph). What happened to Joseph? He disappears. We don't know if he died or found out that Mary was a slut and left her. There was no sainthood for Joseph until 1870.  He's a patron saint of doubt (true story).

Allah's Daughters
Islam's God is no better than the Christian God. When Mohammad began preaching the Arabic god, Allah, had a wife and three daughters. Allah was the moon god, a source maintained in the Islamic crescent moon, and the top god in the Arabic pantheon. His wife was the sun goddess, Atthar. Their daughters, Al-Lat (morning star), Al-Uzza (patron goddess of Mecca), and Manat (evening star) were all high goddesses.

But Mohammad liked the loneliness of the Jewish bachelor god so he gave Allah a divorce and the daughters were abandoned to waste away in the sands of the desert. The Satanic Verses that were originally written into the Koran mention Allah's daughters. They were later expunged as the work of the devil.

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