Saturday, October 31, 2009

All Hallow's Eve

How come Halloween is such a big yawner? I mean, do the demons just hate how commercial it's become? ~ Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
It didn't take long for Pat Robertson's website to realize Kimberly Daniels screed on Halloween was making them a laughing stock. They pulled it, but not before it could be cached for posterity. Such a treasure trove it is.
  • During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. - Apparently radical Christians believe in some sort of delay-effect cursing. So, for example, if you bang your secretary in March it was because you ate a cursed Snickers Fun Snack on Halloween.
  • most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches. - This conjures up the image of bands of warty hags chanting incantations over vats of nougat. One wonders if Hersey's pays their witches overtime for the Halloween cursing.
  • When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. - Demonic munchies.
  • While the lukewarm and ignorant think of these customs as "just harmless fun," the vortexes of hell are releasing new assignments against souls. - I think Kimberly has been watching too many Sam Raimi movies. Below is Buffy sending Angel through a vortex to hell. Note, no Halloween candy.
  • Decorating buildings with Halloween scenes, dressing up for parties, going door-to-door for candy, standing around bonfires and highlighting pumpkin patches are all acts rooted in entertaining familiar spirits. All these activities are demonic and have occult roots. - All I can say is, Wow!
As for cursed candy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer covered that first too.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Using the Bible

Christian evangelists are teaching school kids new uses for the Bible. The Gideons in Texas have been passing out free Bibles to students. Christian students have discovered:
  • The pages of Bibles are perfect for rolling joints
  • Can be thrown around like that other Texas religion, football
  • Are a holy weapon for beating and humiliating Jewish students with
Gotta love them Christians.

h/t to Jesus' General