Death Penalty Laws - Biblical

Christian fundamentalists have scoured the Bible to justify executing just about anybody for just about anything. This helpful fellow has compiled a comprehensive list of all of the biblical reasons to put someone to death. This is biblical law. If Huckabee is elected, get used to it.

Reasons We Kinda Knew
~murder
~rape (But only if the woman is unmarried and betrothed. Apparently raping a married woman, child, or unmarried woman is okay.)

Reasons That Make Sense For Wacko Fundamentalists
~witchcraft
~fucking goats (or other animals)
~manslaughter
~kidnapping
~accidentally killing a slave while beating him (Deliberately killing a slave is fine.)
~adultery (But only if the woman is married.)
~causing a miscarriage (abortion)
~theft
~blasphemy
~idolatry
~prostitution (But only if she is the daughter of a priest. Daughters of goatherds are free to enter the profession.)

Way Out Insane
~Hitting your dad
~Cursing out your dad
~Fights which draw blood
~Playing football (or watching it, or doing anything else on a Sunday)
~Lying
~Being a disobedient son
~Marrying when not a virgin (Only applies to women.)

Exclusions and Rape
Unmarried women can fuck around all they want as long as they never marry. Married men can fuck around all they want with unmarried women.

Men can rape all the unmarried women they want. If a man rapes a married women and she likes it, they are both put to death. If he rapes her and she hates it, they both survive. If an unmarried woman is raped and later tries to get married she must be put to death. The rapist is not.

Teeth

Teeth are yet another proof that man is not made in the image of God. They decay, rot, crack, chip, hardly the work of divine creation. Can you imagine God in a celestial dentist's chair getting fitted for dentures? If God was doing things right, we would have shark teeth in out mouths. Row upon row of teeth ready to replace any that get lost or damaged.