The Jesus/Osiris Connection

A lot of ink has been invested in making the case that the Jesus story is a repackaging of the story of Osiris. Basically, Osiris was a god who died and was reborn although how many similarities you find depends on your interested in the subject or how freaked out you are by the concept that Jesus was a phony.

One book I've read speculated that Jesus rigged the whole resurrection scene as a deliberate effort to claim to be the reincarnation of Osiris as the Osiris Cult was strong in the Eastern Mediterranean but that he died of his wounds before he could pull off the whole scheme. (I can't actually find that book now that I'm looking for it but, trust me, it's out there somewhere.)

For me, my favorite telling of an Osiris tale is from the TV show Stargate SG-1.

Sure, the historic Osiris was a male deity, but Anna-Louise Plowman is sexier and they do explain the sex change.

Passover Science

Scientists believe they have natural answers for the ten plagues of Egypt. The theory is that an eruption of the Santorini volcano could explain most everything.

Santorini erupted massively about 3600 years ago, shattering the island of Thera. The effects of that explosion is still readily apparent today (see above). Geologic evidence shows that a tsunami similar to the Japanese tsunami of 2011 raked across the Eastern Mediterranean. The tsunami would have flowed up the Nile for miles.

I will strike the water of the Nile, and it will be changed into blood ~ Exodus 7:17

The first plague is a well know phenomena called "red tide," caused by a poison producing algae brought up the Nile by the tsunami. It would suffocate fish and a lack of oxygen would force frogs onto the land (plague #2). Plus all the dead fish will cause the gnat (plague #3) and biting fly (plague #4) populations to explode. Plagues 5 and 6, disease among livestock and boils among Egyptians, would naturally follow a plague of biting flies.

Fine dust from the eruption could cause a destructive hailstorm (plague #7) by the same principle behind cloud seeding. The plague of darkness (number 9) would have certainly occurred as the ash cloud covered the sky and blotted out the sun.

We are left with only two remaining plagues. Volcanoes do not cause locust. But locust swarms are common in the Sahara Desert and the same ash caused rains that bombarded Egyptian crops with hail could have triggered a locust metamorphosis.

So now we have only one remaining plague. Number ten is the death of the first born and the passing over of Israelite houses in this death. The answer here may, in fact, be the unleavened bread of Passover.

One theory is that, with all the rain and locust, the Egyptians stored their wet grain indoors where a deadly mold grew on it. The Egyptians use of yeast then cultured the mold. While the firstborn ate the freshest, contaminated, bread the other children would eat older bread without the mold. Because the Israelites baked their bread without yeast the mold didn't grown to deadly concentrations.

All Hallow's Eve

How come Halloween is such a big yawner? I mean, do the demons just hate how commercial it's become? ~ Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

It didn't take long for Pat Robertson's website to realize Kimberly Daniels screed on Halloween was making them a laughing stock. They pulled it, but not before it could be cached for posterity. Such a treasure trove it is.

• During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. - Apparently radical Christians believe in some sort of delay-effect cursing. So, for example, if you bang your secretary in March it was because you ate a cursed Snickers Fun Snack on Halloween.
• most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches. - This conjures up the image of bands of warty hags chanting incantations over vats of nougat. One wonders if Hersey's pays their witches overtime for the Halloween cursing.
• When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. - Demonic munchies.
• While the lukewarm and ignorant think of these customs as "just harmless fun," the vortexes of hell are releasing new assignments against souls. - I think Kimberly has been watching too many Sam Raimi movies. Below is Buffy sending Angel through a vortex to hell. Note, no Halloween candy.
• Decorating buildings with Halloween scenes, dressing up for parties, going door-to-door for candy, standing around bonfires and highlighting pumpkin patches are all acts rooted in entertaining familiar spirits. All these activities are demonic and have occult roots. - All I can say is, Wow!
  

As for cursed candy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer covered that first too.

Using the Bible

Christian evangelists are teaching school kids new uses for the Bible. The Gideons in Texas have been passing out free Bibles to students. Christian students have discovered:

• The pages of Bibles are perfect for rolling joints
• Can be thrown around like that other Texas religion, football
• Are a holy weapon for beating and humiliating Jewish students with
  

Gotta love them Christians.

h/t to Jesus' General

Christian Cannibalism

Certainly the creepiest thing about the Christian religion is the practice of ritual cannibalism.

The kerfuffle surrounding a University of Central Florida student who left a Catholic Church without first swallowing the Eucharist he had been given reminded me of my childhood. I would go to the front of our church, the minister would give me a soda cracker and a tiny cup of grape juice (it was a Protestant denomination, we did it on the cheap), and was told I was eating the body of Christ and drinking his blood. I suspect my fascination with vampires started with that disturbing event.

While Protestants engage in symbolic cannibalism devout Catholics actually believe they are practicing a kind of deicide. The concept of Transubstantiation believes the Eucharist becomes the literal body and blood of Jesus. Catholics believe they are literally putting God's flesh and blood into their mouths and swallowing.

In this sacrament are contained not only the true body of Christ, and all the constituents of a true body, such as bones and sinews, but also Christ whole and entire. ~ Catechism of the Council of Trent, 16th century

Eating gods is not a uniquely Christian concept. It was a common practice in many pagan cultures in Europe, Asia, and the New World. That it is common doesn't make Holy Communion any less ghoulish.

Many devout Catholics have made death threats against the Florida student referenced above; he is being compared with a kidnapper for the crime of not eating a cracker. Of course, the lad was stupid. I find it far easier if I disagree with a particular religion to simply stay out of their churches.

On the other side, it seems the church is now using armed guards to insure everyone swallows in the future. Sort of a fall back to the Spanish Inquisition.

But the practice, the tradition of eating God as an article of faith. Well, that frankly is pretty wacked.

Easter Eggs and Bunnies

What do colored eggs and little rabbits have to do with the death and supposed resurrection of Joshua of Nazareth? Not a blessed thing. Easter is an old, pagan, holy day upon which the early Christians overlaid their Jesus story.

Easter, the name
All of the Germanic languages, including English, use some variation of the word Easter to label the Jesus resurrection holiday. Easter derives from Eostre, the Saxon goddess of fertility. It is curious that her name is strikingly similar to Ishtar and Astarte, the Babylonian and Phoenician fertility goddesses. The Romance languages all use some variation of Pascha, from the Greek word for the Hebrew Passover.

Eggs and Bunnies
Coloring eggs was a part of the Persian fertility celebrations that migrated to the eastern Mediterranean. Randy rabbits copulating have been symbols of Spring throughout Europe since civilization began. The two merged into an egg-laying bunny who became the avatar of the resurrected Christ.

It really is not surprising that the fun, fertility festival continues to dominate the depressing, man nailed to a tree story the early Christians preached.

Death Penalty Laws - Biblical

Christian fundamentalists have scoured the Bible to justify executing just about anybody for just about anything. This helpful fellow has compiled a comprehensive list of all of the biblical reasons to put someone to death. This is biblical law. If Huckabee is elected, get used to it.

Reasons We Kinda Knew
~murder
~rape (But only if the woman is unmarried and betrothed. Apparently raping a married woman, child, or unmarried woman is okay.)

Reasons That Make Sense For Wacko Fundamentalists
~witchcraft
~fucking goats (or other animals)
~manslaughter
~kidnapping
~accidentally killing a slave while beating him (Deliberately killing a slave is fine.)
~adultery (But only if the woman is married.)
~causing a miscarriage (abortion)
~theft
~blasphemy
~idolatry
~prostitution (But only if she is the daughter of a priest. Daughters of goatherds are free to enter the profession.)

Way Out Insane
~Hitting your dad
~Cursing out your dad
~Fights which draw blood
~Playing football (or watching it, or doing anything else on a Sunday)
~Lying
~Being a disobedient son
~Marrying when not a virgin (Only applies to women.)

Exclusions and Rape
Unmarried women can fuck around all they want as long as they never marry. Married men can fuck around all they want with unmarried women.

Men can rape all the unmarried women they want. If a man rapes a married women and she likes it, they are both put to death. If he rapes her and she hates it, they both survive. If an unmarried woman is raped and later tries to get married she must be put to death. The rapist is not.

Teeth

Teeth are yet another proof that man is not made in the image of God. They decay, rot, crack, chip, hardly the work of divine creation. Can you imagine God in a celestial dentist's chair getting fitted for dentures? If God was doing things right, we would have shark teeth in out mouths. Row upon row of teeth ready to replace any that get lost or damaged.

The Pagan Roots of Christmas

Most of the characteristics of modern Christmas celebrations had their roots in pagan religions that preceded Christianity.

1. The Date: In the 4th century AD, the winter solstice fell on December 25. That was the birth date of the Persian Sun God, Mithra. By the 4th century the Mithraic Cult was popular throughout the Roman Empire and was in direct competition with Christianity. The assignment of Christ's Mass Day to December 25 was part of the effort to ease the transition when paganism was outlawed and Christianity was made the official religion of the Roman Empire (AD391).
   
2. Mistletoe, Holly, and Gift Giving: Mistletoe is a parasite that appears in the tops of otherwise bare trees in the winter and fruits around the time of the winter solstice. This miracle made it a sacred plant to the Druids and an important part of their solstice festivals. Holly was a tradition of the Saturnalia, the Roman celebration of the solstice. Gift giving is also a Saturnalia tradition.
   
3. Christmas Tree: Many cultures developed similar winter solstice traditions of cutting branches or whole trees and bringing them into the home. Whether the origin of the Christmas Tree is Germanic or Roman is in dispute. That it is a pagan symbol of seasonal rebirth is undisputed.
4. Yule and Santa: Even this synonym for Christmas is a pagan celebration. The word is Old Nordic meaning "wheel" and was the name of a Norse winter solstice festival. Santa's reindeer and elves are also of pagan Nordic origin.
   

The Puritans despised the pagan and popish Christmas celebrations as do some fundamentalist Christian sects even today.

As for me, I like the friendship, family, and celebrations of the season. And, I really love the call for Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards All Men message. Take that, Bill O'Reilly.

Mitt & Mike's Religious War

Mormons and Southern Baptists have been at war since both were founded. Neil Young in Slate has and interesting article about their conflict.

• Mormonism is the older, more established religion, founded in 1830. Southern Baptistism didn't exist until 1845.
• They are both about the same size - Southern Baptists, 16 million; Mormons, 13 million.
  
• They share the same racism market. Southern Baptistism was born to defend slavery in America. A central tenet of the Mormon faith is that black skin is a curse from God, the Mark of Cain.
  
• They share the same sexism market. Southern Baptists insist that wives submit to their husbands. Mormons believe a woman can only go to heaven with her husband. If he couldn't cut it she is still stuck in hellfire with him throughout eternity. (Mormans and Women)

Since Southern Baptists and Mormons are competing in the same market niche (white men who want passive women) they are each aggressively selling their religionsin the other's territory. Southern Baptists have gone farther to publicize the more intriguing (curious, bizarre) aspects of the Mormon faith. Did you know, for example, that if you are really, really good (not "good" in an absolute sense, just a good Mormon) when you die you are made the god of your very own planet. All of the women you have married are compelled to go to that planet and serve you?

Heliocentricism Be Damned

Creationists are irreligious pikers compared to these guys. Fixedearth.com proved with exhaustingly simpleminded repetition that:

• The Earth is the Center of the Universe (just like the Bible says);
  
• The Sun, planets, and stars all revolve around the Earth;
• The Mars Rover and all the planetary missions are NASA computerized frauds;
• The stars are not huge objects in the vastness of space but little, tiny specks stuck into a Firmament like sprinkles on a birthday cake;
  
• The entirety of the Universe is about eight billion miles across (one light day);
• Including Heaven!

Accordingly, the story of a vast, infinite Universe with galaxies fifteen billion light-years distant is just a Jewish conspiracy to undermine the Christian faith. Makes the "cavemen playing with dinosaurs" theory look kind of quaint.

The Christian Taliban - Part 1 - Religious Tolerance

The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Those who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church's public marks of the covenant–baptism and holy communion–must be denied citizenship. ~ Gary North, Institute for Christian Economics

The rapid growth in Mike Huckabee's presidential aspirations is viewed as God's Miracle by a class of Americans who want to transform the United States into a theocracy. Called Reconstructionism or Dominionism, the movement has taken as its goal replacing the Constitution with Mosaic Law. It would be wrong to dismiss them as lunatics. Because, while them may be insane, they are quite dedicated to the notion that secular democracy is Satanic and that they have been instructed by God Himself to impose a government where freedom is defined as the right to be Christian. There are many aspects to the theocracy they wish to impose. Some are shocking, others frightening. This is just a taste.

Religious Tolerance
"When someone tries to undermine the commitment to Jehovah which is fundamental to the civil order of a godly state--then that person needs to be restrained by the magistrate....You would, therefore, be open, I believe, to hold Muslim views or Hindu views in the privacy of your own home, provided it was not a Christian home....You would be able to hold these views as a private conviction. But you would not be allowed to proselytize and undermine the order of the state." ~ Greg Bahnsen, Calvinism Today, Jan. 1994

Break it down. In a Christian America, you will be allowed to hold heretical beliefs only as long as you keep them secret. Tell a Christian and you face arrest. Place a little statue of Buddha on your desk at work and you face arrest. Publicly display in any way a lack of commitment to the Christian Jehovah and you face arrest.

Romney's Religion

Since Mitt Romney is going to give a speech on his religion, a brief Mormon Primer is in order.

Mormons have much in common with other American cults. Created in 1830 by Joseph Smith, there are about 5.5 million Mormons in the United States and about 10 million worldwide. About 70% of the State of Utah practices the Mormon faith.

• As with many American-born religions, Mormons believe that the United States is the New Jerusalem and God has a special covenant with Americans.
  
• They believe Americans are God's chosen people (sorry about that you Jewish folk). But, not just any Americans, only white Americans. This is similar to the much more obscene beliefs of the Christian Identity movement. It was not until 1978, when Mitt Romney was 31 years-old, that the Mormon Church officially revoked their belief that black skin was the "Mark of Cain" and showed God has cursed all people of color. Interracial marriage is still considered a sin.
  
• Similar to the Oneida Community, Mormons had strange sexual practices. The exact theological underpinnings for polygamy escape me. As near as I can tell, the Mormon God instructed only one wife per man unless he really, really liked you. Then you could have a harem. Polygamy was officially outlawed by the church in 1890. There are today some 60,000 practicing Mormon polygamists, mostly in Utah, Arizona, and Mexico. That is a larger number than practiced polygamy in 1890.
  
• As with other cults, there are organizations to help "deprogram" people from the Mormon faith.
  
• One of the more unusual features of the religion is its underwear fetish.
  

I can't answer the question whether a practicing Mormon should be elected President. I just don't know. However, we have had a practicing imbecile in the office for seven years now and the nation has survived.

Suffer the Little Children

It is so very Christian to want an image of Jesus suffering on the cross (a violation of the commandment against "graven images" by the way). And so super Christian to want those crucifixes made by hand by virgin children in Chinese sweatshops. What is more holy than knowing that your worship of The Lord is causing little children to suffer just like the scripture says.

Why Sunday?

One could argue that God loves football and was just planning ahead. Or, perhaps, God is really into politics and wants to be able to kick back and watch all those political chat shows on Sunday mornings. Equally, one could argue that for Romans the worship of the Sun God morphed into Christianity and they took their Sun Day worship habits with them.

One thing is certain, Sunday is not the Sabbath of the Old Testament so all those Christians filing into church on Sundays are kicking that "observe the sabbath day and keep it holy" commandment in the teeth.

Thanksgiving Roots

The symbol of Thanksgiving (excluding the turkey) is the Cornucopia. The Cornucopia comes from Greek mythology. It is the horn of the goat Amalthea that fed the infant god Zeus. Thanksgiving itself, of course, is simply an ancient harvest festival brought into the 21st century.

Fascist Beatifications

Pope Benedict XVI was a member of the Hitler Youth as a child. I've never cared much; he was 14 years old, a German, and membership was about to be made mandatory. It was more a coincidence of geography and age than it was a matter of belief. I'm rethinking that. The bulk beatification last October of 498 Spanish priests killed during the Spanish Civil War leads one to wonder about Benedict's relationship with fascism.

The Spanish Civil War (1936-1939) was between the established government (called Republicans and Loyalists). They were Socialists and supported by the Soviet Union. The opposing forces were the monarchists, Roman Catholic Church, and Falangists (fascists) and were supported by Nazi Germany. The Falangists eventually won leading to the longest Fascist dictatorship in world history, 36 years (1939-1975). There were atrocities on both sides. The Loyalists "Red Terror" killed some 40,000 Spanish, including several thousand priests and nuns. The subsequent Fascist "White Terror" killed between 200,000 and 800,000 Spanish loyalists and Basques.

The beatifications followed efforts in the Spanish Parliament to remove statuary and other venerations of Francisco Franco's bloody rule. In essence, the Church is making a political statement in support of the Franco regime. Proof this act is in support of Spanish Fascism and not the Church rests in the bloody hand of Father Gabino Olaso Zabala. In 1896, Olaso tortured a Catholic priest (Fr. Mariano Dacanay) in the Philippines because Dacanay supported Filipino Catholics against the Spanish colonial rule of the time. Olaso is one of the beatified.

This does lead naturally to the question where Pope Benedict XVI (nee Joseph Ratzinger) rests on the question of fascism?

Christian Polytheism

How many Gods are there in the Christian religion?

The Trinity
Ask a Christian to explain the Trinity sometime when you want a good laugh. To Christians, there is One True God, who is in fact three Gods. There is God the Father who is the Old Testament Jewish God, Yahweh. There is God the Son, Jesus, born of a woman and ascended into Heaven. And then there is the amorphous Holy Spirit. Three completely separate entities with three very different personalities. They pray to them as separate individuals. Sounds like three gods, yeah? Not very monotheistic of them.

Christians explain this in an abstruse, labyrinthine concept call The Trinity. Basically, the three gods are one god, the one god is three gods, and if you don't understand that you are an ignorant twit who will burn in Hell.

The Mother Goddess
Many Christian sects worship the Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus. There are icons and statues to her. She is prayed to regularly. She appears to people (sometimes as a toasted cheese sandwich) and preforms the occasional miracle. The whole goddess gig.

Angels and Demons
Angels are immortals akin to the servant gods of the Sumerian religion, the igigi gods. According to Sumerian legend, mankind was created because the igigi gods were sick and tired of doing all the work for the greater gods. Mankind were made to be servants to the servants. The concept of rebellious servant gods (fallen angels) goes back to those same Sumerian legends.

Saints
There are over 10,000 demigods, called saints. They are prayed to like gods, perform miracles like gods, are worshiped like gods, yet were once human. Part man, part god - the definition of demigods.

So, according to the Christian faith, Heaven is crawling with gods, semi-gods, and demigods. The pantheon of the Christian religion has many more gods than any of the classical polytheistic religions. Valhalla or Olympus would need annexes and high-rise apartments to house all the deities in the Christian Heaven.

Cheap at any Price

The Mother Goddess, the Virgin Mary, is cheapening her market value with her habit of appearing on all manners of low cost consumables. At right is the Virgin embossing a toasted cheese sandwich that was sold at auction three years ago for $28,000. She has appeared as a Rold Gold Honey Mustard pretzel and as a smudge on a school cafeteria pizza pan. Allah is no better. He has etched His name on the inside of tomatoes and on a serving of beans and eggs.

It is a bad decision to low-ball the franchise like this. No one has ever seen the Virgin Mary on Filet Mignon or on a Perigord Black Truffle but wouldn't a God (and His mommy) want to appear on the very best?

The Malaria Question

Consider the malaria protozoa (left). Flying creatures, birds and mosquitoes, were created on day five. Everything else, including man, was slapped together in a hurry on day six. Between crafting elk and mole rats He constructed a small tube of protoplasm specifically designed to murder millions of humans, mostly children, every year.

Malaria is a human parasite. It doesn't bother with cows or chickens, it will only use human blood cells to reproduce. The mosquito is merely the trolley it uses to travel from victim to victim. For pure heartless butchery, malaria is master of the world. No human despot, not Hitler nor Stalin nor Mao, can match the human suffering of this creation of God. One to three million dead, half a billion sick, every year.